I would be lying right now if I told you that I was okay as I typed this entry. Sometimes though, I think it’s okay to not be okay.
This time 2 years ago, I was lying in my hospital bed trying to force myself to shut my eyes and sleep. I knew I needed to get some rest, but the overwhelming emotion and anticipation kept me up nearly all night.
Tonight, I reminisce about that entire evening, about what was to come the following day, and about the 2 years since.
I still think about Adalie everyday. I think of her each morning I see her little, white weighted teddy bear in Keaton’s nursery, when I see a butterfly, a rainbow, her urn on my dresser, her shadowbox on my mantle, and anytime I see that light, pretty lavender color that I love so much.
As time has passed, grief has changed. It is rare that I cry, but this heavenly birthday has really snuck up on me.
Earlier this week during my first medsurg clinical, my group was asked to introduce ourselves and explain the real reason we have decided to pursue nursing. I have been able to talk about Adalie and my experience openly now for a while without becoming overly emotional. Naturally, I decided I’d tell the truth.
I broke down.
I cried in a room full of my classmates, my new instructor, and some ICU nurses who were just trying to get through some charting.
It was unexpected. I was embarrassed. But it just goes to show that my emotions were a little more charged than I realized. I needed to slow down.
This is me trying to do that.
Today, Ryan and I were able to visit Addy’s tree that was donated to the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens. It has already grown in the past 2 years, and it is so special to watch.
Tomorrow, we have plans to visit her brick in MEND’s Garden of Hope. It means a lot to us that our family and close friends be there with us to celebrate and memorialize Addy. This will be a yearly tradition for as long as we can make it happen.
Ryan and I also learned a song that is perfect. It is called “I Will Carry You” by Selah:
Ryan plays the guitar while I sing. If I am brave enough, maybe I’ll post a recording tomorrow. I can kind of get by vocally, but I am most definitely an instrumentalist, not a singer.
We’ve done a lot, and continue to find ways to do more to remember, but I am so scared that the memories will fade and that the monotony of everyday life will get in the way. My goal is to never let that happen.
Her day is not “just another day” that we have to go do something. It will always be a day that is cherished, and Ryan and I are eternally grateful for the ones who are there to support us and celebrate our sweet Adalie.
Until next time.